That Feeling

You know that thing that you love? Right now I had more of a "that feeling" and it was awesome. I had this desire to go to my blog. I sit in my chair and look at the blog for long amounts of time admiring it sometimes, not going to lie. When I was typing my URL I couldn't help but get really excited! The anticipation of actually getting there was getting me all worked up. It's like this happiness, and a even giddy feeling, that I don't get to experience that often. The best part was actually seeing my blog page and being so proud of something that I've created. I'm so loving this new design that I've put up. It took a lot of time and effort and it makes me so happy! Maybe it's the yellow, yellow is a happy color and it sure does its job. the white everywhere is so clean and the font is still fun, yet easy to read. This blog is a place for me to come and just play around with and experiment. It is something that belongs to me and I have total control. I am myself on this blog and it gives me peace. Sure, I want page views and people to actually read the stuff I post. I honestly don't know who reads this stuff other than myself and my teacher. I could eventually turn this into something big, really big. It's something that I want to share to the world. For right now, the personal satisfaction of producing this gives me that feeling.

My Weekend

            Twitter seemed to know what was up       

                                        

Sunday Night Thinking

That point, that awful point, where everything is going okay, you've got a plan, then it hits you- the tears, the stress, the confusion, anger, and you're done. I'm doing my math and I don't understand how to do it. I took my homework back to try to complete over the weekend and I don't get it. I don't want to ask questions in class on the easy ones because that wastes time. I feel one step behind in there and in physics. So I try two different problems and I'm working and trying different things and nothing is going to where it should, I have the answers to check. It's like i think i do util i have to do the homework and I'm not doing it right and i think I am and it's just a pile of pointless writing that I put my time and effort into that just turns out to be wrong. I just start crying. To add frosting on the cake, I'm sick with a cold and the running nose wouldn't stop. Every time I calmed down I would look at the textbook and cry some more. I haven't cried since the movie day and before that when I had that meltdown. I'm sitting there a hot mess. There is a point when I look to my right and see a college post card and cry even harder. Really not liking this whole college thing at the moment. I saw my calendar an hour ago and I guess October is in two days! That means November in thirty-one after that! I can't do it. Nope. Well I decided to switch subjects but I haven't actually started the next thing yet. I'm sitting here thinking that tomorrow when I go in at much for help in math I will just start crying in front of the teacher and it's going to be a big mess. I do not like how I don't understand things this year and school is so difficult. Why?! I feel like every class went up like ten notches and I'm drowning in it. For example, everyone says Econ is super easy but I'm so not seeing the cow, more responsibility and deadlines in ASB, and all around more difficult English, Calc, and new Physics will be the death of me. I am really not liking it, not one bit. If I can make it out of the year with my sanity that's a victory in itself. I was seriously doing so good about not crying over school and sleeping. This is just a little bump in the road. I'm fine. Just giving myself a little recap and pep talk, that's all. I'm going to finish English, attempt Physics to the best of my ability, hope that my computer works for the lab I haven't done yet, and just cross my fingers that I go to sleep at a decent hour along with somewhat completing homework. 

A Yellow Stripe Is the New Black: New Blog Design

Switched up the deign of the blog this afternoon. I felt like the other one had too much going on. I had about three other complete layouts and designs with fonts and colors and the whole nine yards before sticking with this one. I like it, what about you?

Canterbury Tales (I)

One line character summaries under post here. This is a little more.
I actually really liked the prologue. It wasn't that hard to understand like Shakespeare is.

vocab:
-dirk: dagger
-St. Christopher: patron saint of travelers
-solicitous: showing care or concern
-wanton: jolly
-screeds: long, boring speeches or pieces of writing
-sop: piece
-sanguine: confident, cheerful

clothing:
The narrator describes each person's clothing with his initial observations. Many of the clothing words I didn't know what they were because we don't wear the same types of clothing items as they did. I did pick up the feeling or impression that was given off by the physical descriptions and clothes.
 The knight was wearing stuff from battle because he's just come back, his son was more showy, the yeomen's peacock feather was to draw attention to himself, the first nun was a real lady, the monk had "fine gray fur" garnishing his sleeves because he was so concerned with  high society like hunting, the friar wore a cape and he was very hypocritical with only helping the ones who don't need it to improve his social and financial status, the merchant tried to conceal but his clothing did reveal, the oxford cleric (student) didn't care much for his clothes but for his books, the sergeant at law's clothes were kinda fancy but still down to earth, Franklin carried a dagger and a silk purse since he liked to live in the moment, the haberdasher, dyer, carpenter, weaver, and carpet-maker all were pretty neat and cleaned up with well kept tools, the cook was very contradictory with his ulcer and fatness, the skipper was the only one to be described as tan, the doctor was all-that with is "blood-red garments, slashed with bluish-grey", the woman was wealthy, parson was without much, plowman was alike, miller's sword described more physical attributes, manciple w/o, the reeve "overcoat of bluish shade" and a long blade went with his angry and depressing self, the summoner wasn't very clean, pardoner had no hood and carried a cross which is very contradicting
There were descriptions of horses and those conditions reflected on the people. Also, whether the men had beards or none, how closely shaven or kept, the colors of them caught my eye.

metaphors and similes used a lot, many adjectives; simile:
miller:  red, broad beard like sow or fox
summoner: his hair yellow like wax,falling like rat tails,"bulging eyeballs like a hare"

interested in reading:
top two: Oxford cleric, parson
next: plowman, squire, merchant, manciple

quotes, little happy ones:
"told of opinions and pursuits"
"rich in holy thought and work"
"honest worker...love for Christ"

faith:
The knight had it, he came straight form battle, it didn't even seem like the holy people had any, the only others who seemed to go for God were the plowman and parson who were at the bottom of the social stature and had nothing

Canterbury Tales (II): What a Character!

Alec,Liz,Mathew,and I started on the Student's Tale. I was really interested in reading about the student-clerk while reading the prologue. These notes are from student prologue and part I

-sophism = fallacious argument

-The student states that he's telling a story told to him by a scholar from Padua. He's a smart guy and knows what he's learned and I think that him telling a story from another scholar kind of makes a circle. The story he tells is going to have some meaning and is going to be done well, I believe

-the tone he uses is sort of lighthearted

-marquis = noble man ranking above a count and below a duke

-the people of the town speak to the marquis and want him to marry, time is running out and they're concerned. They like him and enjoy his rule, they don't want a stranger if he dies with no heir. The wife: he will find her, he says she doesn't have to be noble or rich, he trusts God. He set a date to marry a woman by.

-the scholar tells a story, so far, about doing what's right and about good people who really care about one another. The town doesn't want the marquis to die without an heir and the marquis doesn't want to let the townspeople down. I think that the story reflects the student's character in that he likes how full of good this story starts

My Dashboard

I guess I wanted to try the Netvibes dashboard thing out.
I made my background dark grey after I added the widgets.
There are three columns, the first two are more for leisure
and use while the far right is newsy.

Column #1 has, from top to bottom:

• to do list
• English blog
• Econ blog
• YouTube
• DFTBA Records
• Gmail
• Vimeo

Column #2

• my blog
• mylondonlifestyle.co
• weneedtolivemore.com
• calendar
• weather
• instagram
• pinterest
• tumblr
• NBC Nightly News (audio)

Column #3

• webnote
• bookmarks
• twitter
• BBC news
• CNN.com
• nymag.com
• netvibes blog

Snack of the Day!

Thanks to Mr. Hollinger I got to have an unorthodox snack in English today! 

Character Study (1)

In the length of one year, Victoria Tonascia has been around the world and back- literally. It's a wonder that she actually made it to school by today. It is the first day of university at Kenyon College. It's a smaller thing in Ohio, but just right for her. This tan skinned, blushed cheek girl with the nice smile had so much to smile about today. She'd been working hard for this moment and the obstacles that jumped out could never have been dreamt of. Lending a hand to strangers and exploring the unkown were not new to her. Through determination, resourcefulness, and the occasional sarcastic remark, this funny girl made it back to college for the start of a new chapter of her life. What had happened to get to this moment was a story in itself.

Character traits by my lovely friends

Phonar14

Everyone has a piece of the story to tell in real life or Canterbury Tales. 

Mellany had a great idea of sometime we make a pic picture out of a lot of little ones

Movie Tears and Volleyball to the Head

     Well, I've never cried at three movies/shows in one day so I figured that Friday, 9/19, was worth documenting. They were all so good. It's been a few days so I'd rather not try to dissect each one. If you haven't seen them, go watch. They make you feel something, and that's one thing I like being alive or existing. I'm a person who experiences emotion pretty strongly, I'd say.
     I went home after school and I had about an hour before going somewhere, so I sat down to actually watch TV. It's a foreign thing nowadays. I saw that this movie called Finding Neverland had Johnny Depp starring so I turned it on, even though it was past halfway over. I'm sitting there really into this movie that I'd missed the first half of and I'm crying- I had so many tears running down my face.
     I came back home and decided to watch The Red Band Society because it looked really interesting. It's really good, I've made it my new favorite show. The characters are great, the comedy is on point, and it already flows so well. So, the last five minutes I'm crying at the end of the episode. I't's the first episode of the first season and I'm already crying at this show. Like who does that? Me.
     Later that night Pay it Forward  was on. I love the message in this movie, how can you not? I saw this one sophomore year and knew that waterworks were going to come, so what the hey. This time my dad sat down to watch and the rest of the family popped in and out.  I liked sharing a movie like that with them. Of course I was crying at a few parts and during the end, especially. Why do the best people have to die? Oops.
     It was most likely the movies' doing, but I think that getting hit in the side of the head might have contributed to some of those tears because after watching The Red Band Society I cried over my neck hurting.
     So this past Thursday, 9/18, I got hit pretty hard on the left side of my head (like neck and jawbone area) with a volleyball while the SLO girls were warming up. It really hurt and I tried to play it off to save from extra embarrassment. I had a small headache and my neck hurt a little for the next twenty minutes I'd say, but then I didn't notice for the rest of the evening.
     The next day I was driving to school and as I was at a stop sign looking side to side for traffic I had this "Oh, no," reaction. My neck was hurting. The rest of my school day I was dealing with pain mostly on the left side of my neck and it was not going well. I'd try to rest my head in my hand during classes to relieve some pain and pressure. My sinuses hurt, too, like under my eyes.  
     Saturday it was still present and I didn't do anything to make it feel better. That wasn't very smart. My neck and head weren't how they should be.
     Today after waking up, my head wasn't feeling the way it should again. I had pain at first kind of behind my ears, then it moved up to behind my forehead, then to my extended temples. Now it isn't very concentrated, but it's not comfortable. My head still feels very heavy, and moving it doesn't help.I don't like to have it unsupported when looking down or tilting from side to side. Driving is made difficult trying to check mirrors and intersections.
     It's all not pain that's unbearable, it's just really unpleasant. I'm really hoping that it goes away on its own, but this is the third day after the day that it happened. I don't know what to do, I'll try to heat. Just putting this out there so if later on I need to remember what it was like- praying that I don't.

Textbook notes pg. 78-82, pg. 90-115

Notes: Bede (pg. 74-82) Canterbury Tales: the Prologue (pg. 90-115)

Change is Good (blog changes)

About a week ago I had decided that my blog needed a little change and I've finally gotten around to it. It originally started as a blog for only AP Literature and Composition, but I soon realized that the classwork would only be a portion of what I post. I have made a separate tab where my posts for the class will be collected and everything that I post can stay on this home page (including the English work). I want to put a link to somewhere everyone's blogs are so that I'm not excluding anyone awesome, I felt like I was. I think that a title change to "Living and Learning" reflects more on what I'm actually doing with this blog. It's for everything and I'm using it to document my senior year in several areas, I think that it would be amazing to continue for a longer period of time.

Declaration of Learning Independence

I declare that I will learn how I want to and what I want to whether it's a subject taught in school or not. I'm going to learn about what makes me happy. When I learn about school subjects I will continue to retain all of the information that the teachers give me. I will perform all tasks to the best ability, and my best will be enough. I will learn to stress less about the grades. I want to care about what I'm being taught. I want to learn all that I can about life and the real world and value those lessons. I am an individual, but I collaborate with and lean on my peers for guidance and support in learning. I am going to go about learning in a whole new way from here on out and I/m going to do it my way.

Vocab #4

obsequious: characterized by or showing servile complaisance or deference;fawning: obedient; dutiful.
The dog was obsequious to its owner

beatitude: supreme blessedness; exalted happiness.
There are beatitudes in the Catholic church

bete noire: a person or thing especially disliked or dreaded; bane; bugbear
That test is a bête niore 

bode: to be an omen of; portend:

dank: unpleasantly moist or humid; damp and, often, chilly:
The swamp was dank

ecumenical: general; universal. including or containing a mixture of diverse elements or styles; mixed: of or relating to the Christian Church throughout the world, esp with regard to its unity
Disney's movies tend to be ecumenical 

fervid: heated or vehement in spirit, enthusiasm, etc.: burning; glowing; intensely hot.
That was a fervid soup, full of excitement and heat

fetid: having an offensive odor; stinking.
Garbage is fetid 

gargantuan: gigantic; enormous; colossal:
We have a gargantuious load of stuff to do our senior year

heyday: the stage or period of greatest vigor, strength, success, etc.; prime:
Back in my heyday...

incubus: an imaginary demon or evil spirit supposed to descend upon sleeping persons; a nightmare;  something that weighs upon or oppresses one like a nightmare.

infrastructure: the basic, underlying framework or features of a system or organization.
Our club's infrastructure was poorly designed therefore the club failed

inveigle: to entice, lure, or ensnare by flattery or artful talk or inducements(usually followed by into): to acquire, win, or obtain by beguiling talk or methods (usually followed by from or away):

kudos: honor; glory; acclaim:

lagniappe: a gratuity or tip.; an unexpected or indirect benefit.

prolix: extended to great, unnecessary, or tedious length; long and wordy.; (of a person) given to speaking or writing at great or tedious length.

protege: a person under the patronage, protection, or care of someone interested in his or her career or welfare.

prototype: the original or model on which something is based or formed.;someone or something that serves to illustrate the typical qualities of a class; model; exemplar:;something analogous to another thing of a later period:

sycophant: a self-seeking, servile flatterer; fawning parasite.

tautology: needless repetition of an idea, especially in words other than those of the immediate context, without imparting additional force or clearness,as in “widow woman.”.

truckle: to submit or yield obsequiously or tamely (usually followed by to):

Overwhelmed. Written September 13, 2014

September 13, 2014

This document began at 10:30pm and I never stopped typing until 12:45. These are my thoughts that i have needed to get off of my mind and I'm needing to share them. I didn't go back so there are probably several mistakes. Thank you in advance for reading and I hope that it is worth your time. 

I just need to put a little of what I'm thinking in writing right now. I am on the declining side of a major breakdown. I think I just scared my parents half to death and I feel so bad that they have to see me this way. I know that it hurts them and they don't know what to do. It isn't one thing that causes these breakdowns, it's everything in my life that fills up my head and my mind gets so full that I  eventually let it out. I think. I kind of freaked out (uncontrollable sobbing, wanting to break things, and screams into my pillow, in general just being in an awful state)  I haven't had a day with this number of major emotional breakdowns since last February or so. This morning was bad, I overslept and was late to tennis and I cried for a half hour until getting there then when i arrived and saw people I just lost it. I was crying so hard that I couldn't catch by breath and I thought that I was going to stop breathing.  I was shaking everywhere, especially my legs and hands- the scary part is that I have never shaken, and that worried me.  I do realize that if I look straight ahead that the world is not literally crashing down, but in my mind it seems so. 

I can say that from Thursday to Friday I did not sleep. Zero hours that night. The week consisted of one night with like three hours, another with five, there was a night when I had about seven and it was heavenly slumber. I know that sleep is important and everyone tells me it is, but even when I don't sleep I don't get everything done, especially homework. 

Like the Beowulf Essay and the Lit Analysis aren't getting done anytime soon. I can't believe how behind I am and how I can't find time to do them. I have literally been behind in school since day one and I'm drowning; I don't know how to balance my life to at least tread water. I go in at lunch and after school to get extra time in AP physics and calc BC and it will help for that one day because i was trying to catch up and fill holes on previous assignments, but I'm never ahead. I feel like I never see my family and I feel like such an awful big sister and daughter. I probably push my family away because they want to do things when I'm trying to do work, but I push work away when I'm on the Internet. I can't turn off my phone because I nee to listen to music because that calms me down and I need that. It's an ever going cycle. An when I have practice that's when I can be social and I jump at every opportunity I be with my friends, I like to stay until it ends because I don't want to miss out on those time, but of course I haven't done my work before then. 

There is just so much going on in my head that I really cannot handle it all. I hate talking about college. I understand that it's important and yada yada yada. I want to learn about things that I don't know now, like psychology, communications, photography, astronomy, art history, ethics, philosophy, interior design, religion, architecture, cinematography, the world, journalism, history, creative writing... The list goes on and on, but right now these things catch my eye. I don't know all that much about them but I really really would like to. Do I see myself doing something in the future with any of these? I have no idea. I just have no flipping clue about what I want to do when I grow up. And I'm okay with that, but with all of the pressure I get from people asking or colleges wanting you to choose a major, I'm not okay with not knowing, but I really just want to be okay with it. I just circumvented or circumnavigated or  circum-(insert with ending that makes sense in this context) that sentence, but I hope what I'm trying to say is coming across. I have ideas of what I don't want to do. I don't want to go into the medical field, I don't want to sit in a four by four eight hours every day, I don't want a job where I repeat myself every day and there's no excitement or new things happening. I can't picture myself doing anything, though. When I try to envision myself ten years from now nothing appears. I really don't want to think of that as a bad thing. I like to have opportunities and options because I dot know everything that is out there. I don't see jobs in my everyday life where I stop and say, "hey, I want to do that every day of my life and I will be happy with that." 

I think that I need to just travel and explore the world before choosing anything. I want to travel everywhere and anywhere. I've always wanted to go all throughout Europe and Australia. I have it in my mind that I will be studying abroad so I can both learn in another environment and experience something grand. I want to just travel and walk around and see everything there is to see. The beauty of Rome, London, Athens, Paris, Thessaloniki, and the rest of the planet. Can I catch a one way flight to Germany and make my way through Europe paving my own path? Can I? Sure, I suppose I can. Do I want that? More than anything. No worries, sightseeing, being an observer of our world. I think one of the best parts of traveling is that I will document it all. U will write all about it. What I see, think, feel, smell, touch, do. Who I meet and what connections I can make will be great and unexpected. This is totally what I wish I could do. Like I said before, no obligations except to myself. But now I think if how I can make that into a paying job that I can live off of? It looks pretty bleak from this perspective. I have a few obstacles in my way. The first and probably biggest sounds like cha-ching and is nonexistent. I would love to work and save money for this dreamlike excursion, but I've decided to dedicate my life to sports during all three seasons. I have clubs that I'm in and community service that I perform. I have church that I'm a peer leader at and go to every week. I have difficult classes that require a lot of extra time. I have a phone that I'm hopelessly revolved around. I do waste time on it, but I like to think of the time that I actually do and see things on here worth while with personal meaning. Like today I was on Instagram and found a cool picture, then I looked at the person's page, scrolled through her feed,  saw that she had a blog, clicked on a suggested user, did the same and when I went to her blog I saw that she is living in London at university and is exploring as well. I absolutely fell in love with what she's doing and her dreams and life goals that she wrote about in a post. I get such a deep connection with a person who I had only known about for some twenty minutes or so. It's amazing. I want to meet her and talk to her about what she's doing and how she started to where she's at now and what she expects. Maybe I'll try to contact get for our class if I can learn more about her and her blog. I forgot to mention about takin pictures throughout everything. I love taking photos and I want a good camera. Saving money for that, too, will be interesting to say the least. I will need this camera first so I can take cool photos of where I'm at now before leaving. I want to start to pick up photography now because I've started to become so much more serious about picture taking lately. I want to create beautiful things. I can write about amazing places and have fantastic photos accompany the work. This sounds too good to be true. I want to learn how to be a better writer, but I don't think that essays about a piece of literature that I didn't enjoy too much reflects my abilities. This is from the heart, a but rushed and jumpy, but from deep inside of me. I've thought about these things in so many ways that I'm finally sitting down and writing them all out. 

I don't want to diminish the meaning of school, but if I don't want to go into any field that will require science or math, why do I care so much about the grades? Oh that's right, society says I have to and good colleges want me to have a five hundred point zero to even consider me. I don't have a stellar personal essay flowing from my veins, yet. Sure I've faced adversary, but how do I condense it all and summarize how it had changed me? I could write about the stress and anxiety that I go though, but if it's still happening that doesn't pan out for a good essay. Yes, family problems, but result? I really don't know. I think that this year I will focus on the future and not on my current grades as much. I have never ever received anything other than an A on a report card and my transcript is flawless. I don't know what it's like to open it up after the mail comes to see a B. I have felt like it when chemistry and Spanish 3 came along, but I aced the finals and pulled through. This year I orally will, possibly even a C, but it won't matter to me. I don't have a passion for those classes and I'm not aiming for valedictorian. I am the type of person to always complete my work and turn in quality with everything that I do. Being behind and not able to finish everything breaks me. I need to get things done or it eats me away inside. It will never leave me alone and the assignment haunts me. I don't forgive and forget in school. I divide an conquer. I do everything and try to do it to the best of my ability. I think that's what students should do. I'm also super competitive and hope that my best is better than everyone else's. That's another reason for doing what I do- just straight up. How awful does that sound? I admit that I want to be the best at everything and that I want to be superior at school, I guess you could say. I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly but I hole that you're picking up the situation a bit. I am overconfident and arrogant at times and I wish that I could tone that down a bit. But, mostly I try to be the girl who is nice to everyone and smiles to the kids who don't have friends with them and helps the teachers when their hands are full. I like being the helpful one that can be put to use. If I can make someone smile, I'm happy. I love being the one there for someone when she or he needs it. (Fun fact: my thumbs are starting to hurt because I've been typing on my iPhone vertically for an hour and a half writing this out and I'm not stopping until I'm done.) 

Okay, so I've lost my train of thought and I want to look back on other things that I've written that I would like to include in this masterpiece of an email and post. 

March 27: aka 171 days ago

When my friends say school comes easy to me and they have to work hard. I really don't know how to respond. I don't think until hours later that it comes at a great cost for me. Sleepless nights, bags under my eyes, lack of confidence, endless thoughts. 

March 11: aka 187 days ago

Made my day that my friends said if be the most successful. The whole group went on about it, too.  It really made me feel appreciated and that they care about and believe in me. It made me so happy, I couldn't stop smiling, or thinking about it all day. And how they said that I genuinely care about others. How do you respond to so much praise? I had never felt so happy in this kind of way. I was validated. All you need sometimes is a little validation. They actually see me in a way that I don't see myself. I like how it's a positive and generous person that they see; I want to stay this way and become an even better person. I'll never forget this day with the recognition and virtually no work. 

The day right before March 11: aka this is super ironic

I'm tired and lonesome. 

227 days ago: aka January 30

Cry from sadness this morning 

Cry from laughter this evening 

Cry

488 days ago: aka May 18, 2013

Feeling helpless and alone. Wanting to make a difference but don't know where to start. Wondering if I just disappeared if anyone would really care. No direction in life. Lost. Alone. Maybe it's because I don't let anyone in? Probably. Hurt. Pain. It's all inside though and no one can see it by looking at me. I don't have a mask, I have a shield. I hide behind it all by myself. No one with me. I think about it everyday; my future happiness. When I grow up... I will be everything I will be invincible. And I won't have my shield. I won't have loneliness and I won't have 

So lonely.  I'm at that point, past the tears, where I want to go to a counselor to actually talk to someone about my pain. All I go through stays inside. Never coming out until I break down. Going to get the here to actually talk to a professional. I fail at everything. I fail at life. I can't remember the last time I actually did something right. I'm slipping. It's tearing me apart. I pretend. I'm good at what I do. What I do is hide. Hide my emotions, fears, reality from the world. How messed up will I be by the time I leave this place? I weep for the past. My glorious pastime. And all they will ever be are memories. How sad. I am.  

At that point when crying doesn't even help. I cry and cry and still feel worse. I think and think about what could be but something holds me back. My will power to do anything anymore. I'm done. I don't know about wig my life because that's just unethical. I am so done with what it's like right now though. I sit and think. And I walk and think. I think and think and think but nothin changes because I'm the only one who hears my thoughts. I feel my throat hurt from my  shouts. I shout inside but those will never be heard. I want an escape. I want someone I hear. I just can't or don't have the courage to let them hear. But there's so use because no one would want to listen anyways. No one cares about me. Really. It's sad. I'm sad. And lonely. And a failure. It just simply sucks. Sucks to suck. Sucks to be me. 

(The font changed on me and it's bothersome, I hope I can fix it.)

Well the last one is a real dampening passage. I literally didn't even read it all before copying and pasting. I have a longer three page thing that I like to send that came from February of 2013. It's not as depressing but more of a confused and not knowing piece.  There are several pieces from last January that were very very sad and when I was in a really difficult time. I thought that I was only sad and depressed during the winter time, but I guess that the struggle is constant and that i handle it in different ways sometime. I always cry though, I think crying is a good thing and thats there is strength in those tears. I cry for the good and bad, happy and sad things in life. I cry at movies and reading books. I cry when I'm mad and sad and happy for myself or others. I don't ever see anyone else cry, I don't know why though. I'm really not afraid to cry in public because I do, I've cried at school and at practice, too. Maybe I'm a little too confident in my tears. Wow my thumbs have been very impressive over the past two hours typing this. 

So at this moment I'm pretty content. Writing  lets me get everything out because I can just go on and on. When I talk to someone I can't really focus and I miss out on so much (which hilariously autocorrected to McIntyre) that I wanted to say. Here, I have said almost everything and it amazingly enough even has a flow. I have written so much here that I've never put into words to tell anyone. It just feels so much better to write this whole thing out. I don't know how much it will change things because I could change my mind in a week and tell myself that these are not realistic goals or smart thing to say or that I won't get into a super great college that I actually don't care about going to. I think that I should think more about my physical and emotional health. Friday (yesterday aka the day without sleep) we had a match and I was so drained that when I was changing I honestly didn't know if I was going to be able to make it though. Maybe I can set out a schedule telling me when I need to do homework and when I can afford to not do it. There are so many possibilities. I just want to be happy in the long run, honestly. Why do I care so much about school when it causes me grief and pain. I sat down earlier this week in math with my textbook for physics and said, "this is a symbol for grief and anxiety and pain." That's not what should be coming from a student's mouth. 

I'm at a crossroad in my life and I've decided to do something about it. As I've been writing I've decided to send this to many people to see what they think about my reflections on my life. I am really curious and want to know what your own personal thoughts are to this. I want advise and outside information, suggestions, things I quite you on and pin on my wall, anything you want to say to me after reading all of this-if you even do. 

Thank you for reading a little bit of what's been going on inside of my head for the past two hours and fifteen minutes, I apologize for any mistakes in spelling or grammar that I didn't fix, and I really appreciate it. 

Young Goodman Brown Notes/Symbolism

"And Faith, as the wife was aptly named" already symbolism- faith symbol religious
"pink ribbons" innocence via Hannah in class
"blessed angel on earth...follow her to heaven" Christianity roots
description of the dark forest- foreshadows bad
"what if the devil himself should be at my very elbow" foreshadow
snake staff, "living serpent"- devil, biblical reference
"take my staff" wants him to lean on the devil for support
"covenant" biblical reference=promise
elder person helped the earlier generations do such awful things to others; they were Puritans but were cruel to those who thought differently
GB defends his faith, but corruption is introduced to him
he always has "Faith" to refer to and hold dear
good symbol of what's right- Goody Cloyse "moral and spiritual adviser"
Where is he actually going?!

Vocab #3

accolade:  sign of praise, public recognition. I was given accolade by my coach at the team banquet

acerbity: bitterness or sharpness in tone, taste, or manner. After losing the game, the player shook hands with acerbity.

attrition: loss of personnel, wearing away of surface, weakening by persistent attack, sorrow for sin

bromide: unoriginal saying Don't use bromide in your personal statement
chauvinist: somebody with a sense of superiority, unreasoning patriot ever since she aced the last test she's been such a chauvinist
chronic: log-lasting, always present, habitual I have chronic stress

expound: to give a detailed description and explanation of a theory or viewpoint or an explanation of the meaning and implications of a written text We've been expounding Young Goodman Brown this week
factionalism: the existence of or conflict between groups within a larger group In religions, factionalism tends to occur
immaculate: absolutely clean, neat, and free from blemishes; faultless What an immaculate diamond
imprecation: oath or curse, act of curing somebody, swearing The mummy tomb had an imprecation carved into the stone
ineluctable: same as inescapable, cannot escape  These tests are ineluctable
mercurial: lively, witty, fast-talking, and likely to do the unexpected;  I love reading mercurial characters like Alaska and Margo
palliate: to reduce the intensity or severity of something; to make or attempt to make an offense seem less serious by providing excuses or mitigating evidence I palliated when my sister shouted in the library
protocol: etiquette of formal equations, code of conduct; international agreement This calls for a check in the protocol
resplendent: dazzling Gatsby is a resplendent character
stigmatize: transitive verb to label somebody or something as socially unacceptable; mark with stigma The class stigmatized the one kid in the back who asked, what they thought were, too many questions
sub rosa: in a secret or private way I write sub rosa
vainglory: excessive pride in or boastfulness about personal abilities or achievements; vain display My brother's athletic ability leads to vainglory
vestige: trace of something gone; the slightest amount; rudimentary body part The vestige of my pencil marking was faint since I had an awesome eraser
volition: the ability to make conscious choices or decisions Volition is a wonderful human trait that is used so often as I have come to the decision making part of my life

Best Van Ride Home Ever

Today we played Santa Ynez in tennis and knew that we were going to get our butts kicked. I had played Pandora on the way there and the team decided that we put on the High School Musical station for the drive home. Let me tell you that that was the most genius idea that we've made collectively yet! I had my phone plugged into the stereo system and the greatest songs from our childhood and tween years played, no skips needed! "Work It Out" HSM2, "The Climb" Miley Cyrus, "What Dreams are Made Of" Hillary Duff, "Beautiful Soul" Jesse McCartney, "Right Now" HSM3, "Rockstar" Miley Cyrus, "Year 3000" Jonas Brothers, "You Are the Music In Me" HSM2, "Nobody's Perfect" Hannah Montana, and more were played (my phone died about half way and Meagan came in clutch with her phone ready). We all sand along to every song and it was one of the most beautiful and memorable experiences I've ever been a part of. It might sound cheesy or weird, but it's true. All of us nine, Mellany, Judith, Meagan, Darien, Jaymie, Leann, Brittney, and Anais, and me, unfortunately Kate couldn't join, in the van. It was such a collective moment in time that I will always treasure. I absolutely love how we would all gasp and look at each other when we would hear the first sound of the next song because in those moments we instantly knew what song it was. Not only did we sing at the top of our lungs with the correct lyrics because we still knew them, for the most part, we would recall memories about the singers and how we felt about them then and now. Even though we are all different people, we all had the same feelings about these songs and could reflect on the past. It was such a nostalgic ride and one that will stay dear to my heart. We'd sing to one another, dance together, laugh together and it made me forget about all of my worries. I love that feeling- being with people and doing things that are just straight out fun. I laughed so hard that I could not physically sing and my cheeks still hurt from smiling. My voice is returning to normal, I think. It was all so perfect, I can't get over how great that van ride was! "Nobody's Perfect" comes on as we arrive at school and what a song to end on, we tried to blast it, but coach didn't let us. I almost cried laughing at times. I was in a spot where I could see all of the other girls passionately sing to "Beautiful Soul" and have feelings still, after all of these years, associated with this song. I feel as if I could talk about each song and how we all responded individually and as a whole. Jaymie would always talk about the song or make a comment, like how "Year 3000" wasn't originally by the Jonas Brothers and how Zac Efron could actually sing. Leann was on point with the lyrics and Brit had the dance moves. Darien would make great expressions, Meagan is always hilarious, Judith was emotional during "The Climb" and Mellany had a straight face during one song that Jaymie called out. I could write this all out and it might not (well, probably won't) seem as funny or special to you, but it was magical. If you could picture a van full of sixteen and seventeen-year-old girls singing along to High School Musical songs with passion then you have half of it down.

Today in Photos #1

The clouds during the fire alarm

In Old Orcutt

I found this very peaceful and inspiring today so I was determined to stop on the road for a second and take a shot 

Beowulf Essay

(I forgot my notes in class and would like to continue in this essay when I know the I am capable of producing something worth reading)

    Beowulf is a classic piece of literature that reflects the past with a timeless storyline. Beowulf was a heroic character that  exemplified the traits and ideals of the society from which it was passed down and eventually written from.

Photos from J. Wedding

Some lovely pictures I took Saturday while working at a wedding in Nipomo

MASTERPIECE IN PROGRESS

It's more of a "lack of masterpiece," I've been thinking hard and I really don't have any big masterpiece ideas yet. I would like to incorporate maybe YouTube vloggers, travel, Disney, photography, interior design, books, etc. I really just don't know. I guess those are my interests and I've been figuring that more out lately as I try to discover and create myself.

9/11
I was just watching Saving Mr. Banks and what if I find out how to take an educational tour of or classes (I need to look up options) at  Disneyland then have a fun day at the theme park?

Anyway(s)?!

I just tried to write a sentence and didn't know whether I was using "anyway" in the correct way. So I then searched "anyway vs. anyways" and found this lovely site about grammar:
http://www.grammarly.com I think I will be returning to that site because I thought that this definition or clarification helped me out.

Anyway, Anyways, or Any Way

Anyways

The adverb anyways is extremely informal, and indicates the speaker is resuming a narrative thread or changing the topic of discussion. It’s not a word you should use in formal writing.

I never did understand numbers very well. Anyways, I’ve decided to move from financing into tech support.

Anyway

Anyway can be used to mean in any case. This adverb is acceptable in formal writing, but intentions may be better expressed by the use of a variation ofin any case. Consider your audience when choosing the adverb.

Paris is expensive, but many people would like to vacation there, anyway.

Paris is expensive, but many people would like to vacation there, in any case.

Any way

When written as two words, any way can be replaced by in any manner or by by any means.

To get students to read, teachers often bribe them any waythey can.

To get students to read, teachers often bribe them in any manner they can.

To get students to read, teachers often bribe them by any means they can.

All of these adverbs are acceptable in formal writing.

I don’t mind staying home from the party because I don’t feel all that well, any way.

Because any way cannot be replaced with in any manner, it should be written as one word: anyway.

http://www.grammarly.com

Will Study for Food

I really have no clue what scholarships pay for and where the money goes when you are awarded them. I guess I'd use this one on books, I hear books are really expensive. Sure, I'd expect the $1500 dollars given, that'd be awesome. I'm so new to this college thing being the oldest kid in the family and I'm doing an awful job of preparing myself for applications and scholarships. I honestly just have no clue how to go about this, but I heard that nobody applied for this one last year so I looked it up. I feel selfish not wanting to share it because that might mean I might not be rewarded this, but of course I will. It's from the Minerva Club of Santa Maria. The info is in the link. http://minervaclubofsantamaria.m.webs.com then click scholarship. It has winners from two years ago mentioned like Ryland Towne and Mackenzie Greeley.

Familiar Vocab Tip

You probably already know about easydefine.com from other classmates' posts, but if you don't, go to that site (by clicking) and see how you can copy and paste a whole list of words to be defined by one click of the mouse!
What wasn't mentioned was the options that this site gives. On the extras tab, I like to use the flashcard maker and the generate worksheets that I can just print out to help me learn the definitions. To create the sentences that make me understanding where the word is used, I just add to the generated flashcards by adding another column on Microsoft Word.
This is probably going to be more of use to myself if I ever forget what site it was in the future

Vocab #2

apogee	noun apoapsis in Earth orbit; the point in its orbit where a satellite is at the greatest distance from the Earth; a final climactic stage	The apogee of the film was when the main character was about to face his arch nemesis
apropos	adj. of an appropriate or pertinent nature; adv. by the way; at an opportune time	Ice cream is an apropos treat on the hottest day of the summer
bicker	noun a quarrel about petty points; verb argue over petty things	You two bicker like cats and dogs
coalesce	verb fuse or cause to grow together; mix together different elements	The two plants coalesced after growing next to one another for years
contretemps	noun an awkward clash	There were contretemps over who was going to take out the trash in  the Smith household
convolution	noun the action of coiling or twisting or winding together; a convex fold or elevation in the surface of the brain; the shape of something rotating rapidly	In Calculus we learn about convolutions
cull	noun the person or thing that is rejected or set aside as inferior in quality; verb remove something that has been rejected; look for and gather	The black sheep was the cull of the family
disparate	adj. including markedly dissimilar elements; fundamentally different or distinct in quality or kind	A circle and a squiggly line are disparate
dogmatic	adj. characterized by assertion of unproved or unprovable principles; relating to or involving dogma; of or pertaining to or characteristic of a doctrine or code of beliefs accepted as authoritative	His argument was dogmatic, there was no way we could find the evidence to back it up
licentious	adj. lacking moral discipline; especially sexually unrestrained	Catcher in the Rye suggested a bit of licentious behavior, but had deep meaning behind the story as a whole
mete	noun a line that indicates a boundary	The mete was set in the middle of the bedroom, half was mine and half was my sister’s
noxious	adj. injurious to physical or mental health	The perfume was overbearing and noxious
polemic	adj. of or involving dispute or controversy; noun a controversy (especially over a belief or dogma); a writer who argues in opposition to others (especially in theology)	The polemic over creation and evolution will be an ever going debate
populous	adj. densely populated	The city of New York is populous
probity	noun complete and confirmed integrity; having strong moral principles	I think that probity should be exemplified by all
repartee	noun adroitness and cleverness in reply	The repartee exchanged between good friends was full of wit
supervene	verb take place as an additional or unexpected development	The author hadn’t expected for another chapter to supervene in his book
truncate	adj. terminating abruptly by having or as if having an end or point cut off; verb make shorter as if by cutting off; approximate by ignoring all terms beyond a chosen one; replace a corner by a plane	Beowulf truncated Grendel’s arm
unimpeachable	adj. beyond doubt or reproach; completely acceptable; not open to exception or reproach; free of guilt; not subject to blame	She was an angle, completely unimpeachable
accouterment	Noun personal clothing, accessories, etc.; the equipment, excluding weapons and clothing, of a soldier.	Her accouterment was her favorite red lipstick while her husband’s was his combat boots