This document began at 10:30pm and I never stopped
typing until 12:45. These are my thoughts that i have needed to get off of my
mind and I'm needing to share them. I didn't go back so there are probably
several mistakes. Thank you in advance for reading and I hope that it is
worth your time.
I just need to put a little of what I'm thinking in
writing right now. I am on the declining side of a major breakdown. I think I
just scared my parents half to death and I feel so bad that they have to see me
this way. I know that it hurts them and they don't know what to do. It isn't
one thing that causes these breakdowns, it's everything in my life that fills up
my head and my mind gets so full that I eventually let it out. I think. I
kind of freaked out (uncontrollable sobbing, wanting to break things, and
screams into my pillow, in general just being in an awful state) I
haven't had a day with this number of major emotional breakdowns since last
February or so. This morning was bad, I overslept and was late to tennis and I
cried for a half hour until getting there then when i arrived and saw people I
just lost it. I was crying so hard that I couldn't catch by breath and I
thought that I was going to stop breathing. I was shaking everywhere,
especially my legs and hands- the scary part is that I have never shaken, and
that worried me. I do realize that if I look straight ahead that the
world is not literally crashing down, but in my mind it seems so.
I can say that from Thursday to Friday I did not
sleep. Zero hours that night. The week consisted of one night with like three
hours, another with five, there was a night when I had about seven and it was
heavenly slumber. I know that sleep is important and everyone tells me it is,
but even when I don't sleep I don't get everything done, especially
homework.
Like the Beowulf Essay and the Lit Analysis aren't
getting done anytime soon. I can't believe how behind I am and how I can't find
time to do them. I have literally been behind in school since day one and I'm
drowning; I don't know how to balance my life to at least tread water. I go in
at lunch and after school to get extra time in AP physics and calc BC and it
will help for that one day because i was trying to catch up and fill holes on
previous assignments, but I'm never ahead. I feel like I never see my family
and I feel like such an awful big sister and daughter. I probably push my
family away because they want to do things when I'm trying to do work, but I
push work away when I'm on the Internet. I can't turn off my phone because I
nee to listen to music because that calms me down and I need that. It's an ever
going cycle. An when I have practice that's when I can be social and I jump at
every opportunity I be with my friends, I like to stay until it ends because I
don't want to miss out on those time, but of course I haven't done my work
before then.
There is just so much going on in my head that I really
cannot handle it all. I hate talking about college. I understand that it's
important and yada yada yada. I want to learn about things that I don't know
now, like psychology, communications, photography, astronomy, art history,
ethics, philosophy, interior design, religion, architecture, cinematography,
the world, journalism, history, creative writing... The list goes on and on,
but right now these things catch my eye. I don't know all that much about them
but I really really would like to. Do I see myself doing something in the
future with any of these? I have no idea. I just have no flipping clue about
what I want to do when I grow up. And I'm okay with that, but with all of the
pressure I get from people asking or colleges wanting you to choose a major,
I'm not okay with not knowing, but I really just want to be okay with it. I
just circumvented or circumnavigated or circum-(insert with ending that
makes sense in this context) that sentence, but I hope what I'm trying to say
is coming across. I have ideas of what I don't want to do. I don't want to go
into the medical field, I don't want to sit in a four by four eight hours every
day, I don't want a job where I repeat myself every day and there's no
excitement or new things happening. I can't picture myself doing anything,
though. When I try to envision myself ten years from now nothing appears. I
really don't want to think of that as a bad thing. I like to have opportunities
and options because I dot know everything that is out there. I don't see jobs in
my everyday life where I stop and say, "hey, I want to do that every day
of my life and I will be happy with that."
I think that I need to just travel and explore the
world before choosing anything. I want to travel everywhere and anywhere. I've
always wanted to go all throughout Europe and Australia. I have it in my mind
that I will be studying abroad so I can both learn in another environment and
experience something grand. I want to just travel and walk around and see
everything there is to see. The beauty of Rome, London, Athens, Paris,
Thessaloniki, and the rest of the planet. Can I catch a one way flight to
Germany and make my way through Europe paving my own path? Can I? Sure, I
suppose I can. Do I want that? More than anything. No worries, sightseeing,
being an observer of our world. I think one of the best parts of traveling is
that I will document it all. U will write all about it. What I see, think,
feel, smell, touch, do. Who I meet and what connections I can make will be
great and unexpected. This is totally what I wish I could do. Like I said
before, no obligations except to myself. But now I think if how I can make that
into a paying job that I can live off of? It looks pretty bleak from this
perspective. I have a few obstacles in my way. The first and probably biggest
sounds like cha-ching and is nonexistent. I would love to work and save money
for this dreamlike excursion, but I've decided to dedicate my life to sports
during all three seasons. I have clubs that I'm in and community service that I
perform. I have church that I'm a peer leader at and go to every week. I have
difficult classes that require a lot of extra time. I have a phone that I'm
hopelessly revolved around. I do waste time on it, but I like to think of the
time that I actually do and see things on here worth while with personal
meaning. Like today I was on Instagram and found a cool picture, then I looked
at the person's page, scrolled through her feed, saw that she had a blog,
clicked on a suggested user, did the same and when I went to her blog I saw
that she is living in London at university and is exploring as well. I
absolutely fell in love with what she's doing and her dreams and life goals
that she wrote about in a post. I get such a deep connection with a person who
I had only known about for some twenty minutes or so. It's amazing. I want to
meet her and talk to her about what she's doing and how she started to where
she's at now and what she expects. Maybe I'll try to contact get for our class
if I can learn more about her and her blog. I forgot to mention about takin
pictures throughout everything. I love taking photos and I want a good camera.
Saving money for that, too, will be interesting to say the least. I will need
this camera first so I can take cool photos of where I'm at now before leaving.
I want to start to pick up photography now because I've started to become so
much more serious about picture taking lately. I want to create beautiful
things. I can write about amazing places and have fantastic photos accompany
the work. This sounds too good to be true. I want to learn how to be a better
writer, but I don't think that essays about a piece of literature that I didn't
enjoy too much reflects my abilities. This is from the heart, a but rushed and
jumpy, but from deep inside of me. I've thought about these things in so many
ways that I'm finally sitting down and writing them all out.
I don't want to diminish the meaning of school, but
if I don't want to go into any field that will require science or math, why do
I care so much about the grades? Oh that's right, society says I have to and
good colleges want me to have a five hundred point zero to even consider me. I
don't have a stellar personal essay flowing from my veins, yet. Sure I've faced
adversary, but how do I condense it all and summarize how it had changed me? I
could write about the stress and anxiety that I go though, but if it's still
happening that doesn't pan out for a good essay. Yes, family problems, but
result? I really don't know. I think that this year I will focus on the future
and not on my current grades as much. I have never ever received anything other
than an A on a report card and my transcript is flawless. I don't know what
it's like to open it up after the mail comes to see a B. I have felt like it
when chemistry and Spanish 3 came along, but I aced the finals and pulled
through. This year I orally will, possibly even a C, but it won't matter to me.
I don't have a passion for those classes and I'm not aiming for valedictorian.
I am the type of person to always complete my work and turn in quality with
everything that I do. Being behind and not able to finish everything breaks me.
I need to get things done or it eats me away inside. It will never leave me
alone and the assignment haunts me. I don't forgive and forget in school. I
divide an conquer. I do everything and try to do it to the best of my ability.
I think that's what students should do. I'm also super competitive and hope
that my best is better than everyone else's. That's another reason for doing
what I do- just straight up. How awful does that sound? I admit that I want to
be the best at everything and that I want to be superior at school, I guess you
could say. I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly but I hole that you're
picking up the situation a bit. I am overconfident and arrogant at times and I
wish that I could tone that down a bit. But, mostly I try to be the girl who is
nice to everyone and smiles to the kids who don't have friends with them and
helps the teachers when their hands are full. I like being the helpful one that
can be put to use. If I can make someone smile, I'm happy. I love being the one
there for someone when she or he needs it. (Fun fact: my thumbs are starting to
hurt because I've been typing on my iPhone vertically for an hour and a half
writing this out and I'm not stopping until I'm done.)
Okay, so I've lost my train of thought and I want to
look back on other things that I've written that I would like to include in
this masterpiece of an email and post.
March 27: aka 171 days
ago
When my friends say school comes easy to me and they
have to work hard. I really don't know how to respond. I don't think until
hours later that it comes at a great cost for me. Sleepless nights, bags under
my eyes, lack of confidence, endless thoughts.
March 11: aka 187 days
ago
Made my day that my friends said if be the most
successful. The whole group went on about it, too. It really made me feel
appreciated and that they care about and believe in me. It made me so happy, I
couldn't stop smiling, or thinking about it all day. And how they said that I
genuinely care about others. How do you respond to so much praise? I had never
felt so happy in this kind of way. I was validated. All you need sometimes is a
little validation. They actually see me in a way that I don't see myself. I
like how it's a positive and generous person that they see; I want to stay this
way and become an even better person. I'll never forget this day with the
recognition and virtually no work.
The day right before
March 11: aka this is super ironic
I'm tired and lonesome.
227 days ago: aka January 30
Cry from sadness this morning
Cry from laughter this evening
Cry
488 days ago: aka May
18, 2013
Feeling helpless and alone. Wanting to make a
difference but don't know where to start. Wondering if I just disappeared if
anyone would really care. No direction in life. Lost. Alone. Maybe it's because
I don't let anyone in? Probably. Hurt. Pain. It's all inside though and no one
can see it by looking at me. I don't have a mask, I have a shield. I hide
behind it all by myself. No one with me. I think about it everyday; my future
happiness. When I grow up... I will be everything I will be invincible. And I
won't have my shield. I won't have loneliness and I won't have
So lonely. I'm at that point, past the tears,
where I want to go to a counselor to actually talk to someone about my pain.
All I go through stays inside. Never coming out until I break down. Going to
get the here to actually talk to a professional. I fail at everything. I fail
at life. I can't remember the last time I actually did something right. I'm
slipping. It's tearing me apart. I pretend. I'm good at what I do. What I do is
hide. Hide my emotions, fears, reality from the world. How messed up will I be
by the time I leave this place? I weep for the past. My glorious pastime. And
all they will ever be are memories. How sad. I am.
At that point when crying doesn't even help. I cry
and cry and still feel worse. I think and think about what could be but
something holds me back. My will power to do anything anymore. I'm done. I
don't know about wig my life because that's just unethical. I am so done with
what it's like right now though. I sit and think. And I walk and think. I think
and think and think but nothin changes because I'm the only one who hears my
thoughts. I feel my throat hurt from my shouts. I shout inside but those
will never be heard. I want an escape. I want someone I hear. I just can't or
don't have the courage to let them hear. But there's so use because no one
would want to listen anyways. No one cares about me. Really. It's sad. I'm sad.
And lonely. And a failure. It just simply sucks. Sucks to suck. Sucks to be
me.
(The font changed on me and it's bothersome, I hope
I can fix it.)
Well the last one is a real dampening passage. I
literally didn't even read it all before copying and pasting. I have a longer
three page thing that I like to send that came from February of 2013. It's not
as depressing but more of a confused and not knowing piece. There are
several pieces from last January that were very very sad and when I was in a
really difficult time. I thought that I was only sad and depressed during the
winter time, but I guess that the struggle is constant and that i handle it in
different ways sometime. I always cry though, I think crying is a good thing
and thats there is strength in those tears. I cry for the good and bad, happy
and sad things in life. I cry at movies and reading books. I cry when I'm mad
and sad and happy for myself or others. I don't ever see anyone else cry, I
don't know why though. I'm really not afraid to cry in public because I do,
I've cried at school and at practice, too. Maybe I'm a little too confident in
my tears. Wow my thumbs have been very impressive over the past two hours
typing this.
So at this moment I'm pretty content. Writing
lets me get everything out because I can just go on and on. When I talk
to someone I can't really focus and I miss out on so much (which hilariously
autocorrected to McIntyre) that I wanted to say. Here, I have said almost
everything and it amazingly enough even has a flow. I have written so much here
that I've never put into words to tell anyone. It just feels so much better to
write this whole thing out. I don't know how much it will change things because
I could change my mind in a week and tell myself that these are not realistic
goals or smart thing to say or that I won't get into a super great college that
I actually don't care about going to. I think that I should think more about my
physical and emotional health. Friday (yesterday aka the day without sleep) we
had a match and I was so drained that when I was changing I honestly didn't
know if I was going to be able to make it though. Maybe I can set out a
schedule telling me when I need to do homework and when I can afford to not do
it. There are so many possibilities. I just want to be happy in the long run,
honestly. Why do I care so much about school when it causes me grief and pain. I
sat down earlier this week in math with my textbook for physics and said,
"this is a symbol for grief and anxiety and pain." That's not what
should be coming from a student's mouth.
I'm at a crossroad in my life and I've decided to do
something about it. As I've been writing I've decided to send this to many
people to see what they think about my reflections on my life. I am really
curious and want to know what your own personal thoughts are to this. I want
advise and outside information, suggestions, things I quite you on and pin on
my wall, anything you want to say to me after reading all of this-if you even
do.
Thank you for reading a little bit of what's been
going on inside of my head for the past two hours and fifteen minutes, I
apologize for any mistakes in spelling or grammar that I didn't fix, and I
really appreciate it.
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